Walking on Sunshine

Torpedo was defending Landshark from Eye Candy's suggestion that he shouldn't be on active duty when he got a call informing him that Morgana had perfected a water-breathing spell, which would make it possible for the two of them to return to Atlantis on a permanent basis. There was also some discussion of who should be the leader after yet another departure. Despite the fact that no one had ever been officially appointed to that position, there seemed to be a general assumption that the current leader was Torpedo. It kept coming back to the fact that Landshark had been with the team longer than anyone.

Eye Candy also had heard word from unnamed contacts that Jay had been seen in Los Angeles and Chompers told Fire of Saturn in an old lady voice that Jay had a bad therapist. There was a bit more discussion and they were off to California.

And sometimes I just get tired of writing these things, so here's a few pages from Landshark's diary instead (courtesy of his player, Curtis). I'm just gonna pour myself some magic editing tonic and go through it real quick. My comments will be in italics.

Hi! I’m Landshark. All those shark memes on the Scrap Pile’s Face Book Page? Those are my fault. I’m filling in to summarize our final issue. I had a very detailed summary of the adventure, but Madam Editor screamed when she saw how long it was. I was tranked, chained to this chair, and told to try again. 

Things were looking grim last issue. Disco had left the team, replaced by the non-shark-friendly Eye Candy. I caught Jay making out with another guy, then he dumped me with a Dear Shark letter. I didn't handle it well. The Scrap Pile infiltrated the Evil Underground Swimming Pool Lair of Careless Whisper. Who could have guessed that I would end up in the bottom of the swimming pool and panic? I destroyed her house with an earthquake. People were hurt badly. Eye Candy thinks I’m not fit for duty. I’m worried I’ll go back to jail.

By the way, things are still looking grim, because I’m CHAINED TO THIS CHAIR BY THE EDITOR! (It's a very comfortable chair.)

Obviously, someone is arching me, or this is an invasion by pod people. I bring this up at our meeting. No one believes me. Torpedo announces that he and Morgana are moving to Atlantis. He’ll be leaving the team. Disco gone. Jay gone. Now Torpedo is leaving? I told you. Pod People.

Morgana (Fire of Saturn, not Morgana) calls to let us know my dog, Mister Chompers, is talking again. She takes him for walks sometimes because everyone loves Chompers (everyone is afraid of Chompers because he's a demon magnet). If you've been following this blog, you know that Chompers talking is a bad thing. We rush to my apartment. The team is not impressed with my intricately mapped out "Who Is Arching Me?" chart. I also have a list of questions to weed out pod people.

This time, it is the spirit of Jay’s bisabuela, (I don't know this word and I don't feel like doing any research, so any spelling/usage issues are on Landhark) Edita, that is speaking through Chompers. She warns us that Jay has a bad therapist. We also get a lead that Jay has been hanging out at a sleazy gay bar in Los Angeles. I’m able to convince the team we need to check on Jay. We don’t leave right away, though. We have an important – and lengthy – discussion about what to name the new Scrap Jet. Do we name our new plane Shark 2? No, my team betrays me and I think they decide to call the new plane the Scrap Jet again. Whatever.

Off to LA we go. We find the bar, but are ambushed by Count DOOKU, (Count Dante, a ripoff from an old comic book ad) Careless Whisper, (Teen Spirit – who has illusion and light powers), Rayve, and Black Hole Sun. Count Dooku (Count Dante) monologs “Something something plot,” and a superhero battle ensues. We totally kick their butts. Rayve is taken down – did anyone notice Rayve is kind of hot, even in a mask? Torpedo throws Dooku (Count Dante) into Black Hole Sun. Their powers interact tragically, (nobody cried) and they both get sucked into small black marble. Careless Whisper (Teen Spirit) is almost captured by Eye Candy, but she escapes.

Eye isn't comfortable with going into a gay bar, so he offers to deliver Rayve to the authorities. I learn that Jay has been going to a popular hypnotherapist named Karl Lykos.

Eye steps up and volunteers to infiltrate Lykos' office by posing as a patient. He does a great job pretending to be a guy with serious anger issues. Lykos begins to hypnotize Eye. It takes Eye a bit to go under because apparently I am creating a "distraction" on the com. Once Eye is under, Lykos has machinery that begins to drain his energy!

Torpedo decides we've seen enough. We storm Lykos' office to rescue Eye. Again, there is a villain monolog and plot. Nothing to do with Jay though. Torpedo clobbers Lykos. We can’t wake up Eye, (not sure about that) but we find a back room full of the same tables and machinery Lykos has Eye connected to. The tables are full of more of Lykos' patients. Jay is one of them! We revive all them except Jay and Eye Candy.

Fire of Saturn thinks we use Lykos' machinery to enter Jay and Eye Candy’s minds to wake them up. At least, that’s what I thought we were doing. Instead of entering Jay’s mindscape, the mental plane we enter looks like a jungle island. Not Jay at all. We fight pterodactyl assholes and other monsters making our way through a temple and following passages taking us deep underground. Eventually our path forces us to swim in an underground river and dive into underwater caves. This is a psychic realm, so we call all breathe. I brave the water for Jay.

We find Jay chained to a giant pillar. He’s guarded by a nasty looking eye ball monster with a lollipop antenna sticking out of its head... I mean eye. Torpedo and I battle the eye monster, but Eye Candy just sits back and watches. Hmm… need more “I's” in that sentence. The eye monster is tough. We keep defeating it, but it reforms each time! (well... oh, never mind)

Eye Candy still isn't helping. He finally says he’s had enough and reveals himself as the big bad! (He didn't reveal himself until they were already back.) He actually calls me a"Stupid _______." I’m sure he meant to say "shark." He’s been trying to destroy the Scrap Pile all along! (Eh, not exactly, but it's understandable dramatic license.) He used incredible telepathic powers we didn't know he possessed to force Disco to leave the team. He also made Jay dump me and engendered my panic attack at Careless Whispers house. (Eye Candy didn't cause the panic. He just didn't prevent it.)

Eye hates us because… well, there is a lot of embarrassing stuff we’ve done that Madame Editor keeps out of this blog. We all know Disco is the most popular Scrapper. He’s a gay icon of sexual freedom. Coughmanwhorecoughcough. That’s why he was Eye’s first target. (Speculation)

The villain Closet Case broadcast my most intimate moments. Everything about me was out there on the net for the curious to see. I come from a very dark place. I often screw up spectacularly. But I keep trying, and I have a lot of fun along the way. The people of Beta City has seen me at my best and my worst. This includes singing shark songs in the shower and tender moments with Jay. (Yes, that even means sexy time.) I've come to mean something to them, too. Throw in our shenanigans as the Scrap Pile and we represented something a right-wing fanatic like Eye couldn't stand. (Speculation)

You know, I really thought his MAGA shirt was short for Megalodon.

I’m ready to battle Eye Candy, but instead I hear a familiar voice behind me. It’s the villain Dark Water! Dark Water has never been mentioned in this blog or appeared in this title before. He was in my graphic novel. To keep it Madame Editor friendly, Dark Water is a man who… hurt me as a child. My quirks, my fear of water and intimacy are all scars from him. He's a bad dude. (None of this happened.)

We fight. He taunts me. I don’t know it, but Eye Candy is messing with my head to make me believe Torpedo is Dark Water. Torpedo’s clever, so he uses the com to instruct Fire of Saturn to pull Eye and himself out of this mindscape prison. (None of this happened.)

Now I’m free to rescue Jay and the two of us are pulled out of the mindscape as well. The final battle has already begun. Torpedo and Fire of Saturn are standing off against Eye Candy, Careless Whisper, (Teen Spirit) and Rayve. Eye never turned Rayve over to the authorities because he’s evil.

Jay’s in no condition to fight, so he takes off. Rayve pulls off his mask to reveal himself to be a brainwashed Disco! Apparently the entire 80’s (90s, except for Careless Whisper, who wasn't there) music gang are thralls of Eye Candy.

The fight goes badly. Careless Whisper (Teen Spirit) takes out Torpedo. She blasts a hole through his chest. He’s gone. He’s really gone. How am I supposed to make it quick and say, "Torpedo died?" This is my friend we’re talking about!

It‘s a given that I’m easy prey for both Eye Candy’s telepathy and Rayve's emotion control. We’re toast. I charge Eye Candy and push us both through Lycos' office window. We fall a few stories. It takes Eye by surprise. He’s distracted enough for me to land a few punches and take him out. I hit him a few more times, too. You do not mess with sharks!

Then I ride a rock back up to the office window to help Fire of Saturn. Careless Whisper (Teen Spirit) has taken off, apparently freed from Eye Candy's influence. Disco is still Rayve. Fire of Saturn has had enough, so the fight is just Rayve and I. He doesn't use his emotion control powers or there would be no fight at all. We duke it out instead. His powers must have been amped up (nope) because his aura is hurting me more than it should. He’s winning. He’s about to kill me!

Rayve is about to deliver the killing blow when Disco, seeing what he’s done, manages to shake off Eye Candy’s influence. He looks in horror at Torpedo’s body and my blood and what he’s done to me. It’s too much for Disco to handle, so he takes off. (Also, he killed a bunch of other people under Eye Candy's control.)

It’s my duty to tell Morgana the sad news about Torpedo. That was hard to do. She takes it well, but her hair turned purple. That can’t be good. She turns the aquarium shop and the Scrap Base over to me. Disco mails the keys to his bar to me as well. I guess that’s fair because Disco used money off my internet videos to buy the bar in the first place. He also made a lot of money porno that Disco and I pretended to make. (It was a trap for Closet Case.) Hah, Madam Editor! See that! I still worked it in! (We'll see who has the last laugh.)

So, now I have two business, no team, and my closest friends are gone. It’s not all bad. Jay and I are closer than ever. (He's still occasionally possessed by his dead grandmother, though.) We've decided to move in together. I’m supposed to be a grown-up shark now. I’m totally not, but I’m cool with trying.

Not sure what I will do without the Scrap Pile.

I really miss my family.